Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Day 52--Why am I having nightmares?

Dear Deployment,

I've never been a sound sleeper, but I usually sleep through the night with minimal (albiet half awake) issues.  For some reason the last two days I've been having nightmares that are preventing me from any normal sleep patterns that might still exist in my recent memory.
For my own sanity, and to see if anyone else in my situation has experienced a similar phenomenon, I'm going to write about my dream from last night.  It's not nearly as terrifying or heart-wrending in writing, but it's stuck with me all morning and I can't seem to shake the feeling of heartbreak I woke up with this morning.

Imagine basic military training graduation. Something like this:
And combine it with the mass chaos and amount of people as Woodstock.

That's our setting.
DH was back in tech school (although it was nothing like his tech school) but he was deployed simultaneously.  I hadn't seen him in quite a while apparently, and was anxiously awaiting being in his arms again.  My in-laws were with me, which is odd, since our "rule" is that no other family is allowed at reunions except for us, and my mother in law was telling me that he isn't going to want to see me and that his only focus was going to be on her.
That didn't bother me.
However, when they let the military members loose to find their families, I couldn't find DH.  I looked all around, crying and asking anyone if they had seen him. He wasn't anywhere to be found.  My heart sank.

Then I went back to where my in laws had been standing, and DH was sitting on the ground near them.  Except I didn't recognize him.  I couldn't figure out if it was him or not.  My father in law said that it was him and that I should stop being so silly and go say hi.
Except when I got closer, all that was there was the shell of DH's body.  His eyes were lifeless and he didn't even turn to look at me.  He didn't even care that I was standing there.

I spent the remainder of the dream yelling, screaming and crying, begging him to hold me, comfort me, tell me it's all going to be okay.
but he never came back to himself.
and I was alone.

I woke up crying this morning.  I felt like my whole body was shaking.
I don't know if other wives have bizarre nightmares while their husbands are deployed, but I hope that this doesn't last too long....it's really starting to get to me.

The Faithful Wife

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