Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Day 4-Hashbrowns and Pancakes

Dear Deployment,

I love breakfast for dinner.  I always have--I think my mom got us hooked on it as kids and I've never looked back.  This deployment is working out well for my rather unnatural cravings for poached eggs and toast with hashbrowns and pancakes at 2000.  DH never has been a fan of breakfast for dinner, unless I'm making french toast.
and I don't make french toast.
I think it tastes funny.

A friend of mine and I went out for Ihop tonight to indulge our hankering for all things breakfast after a particuarly long day at work and it was very needed.  With all of the stress of the last few days compounded upon the anticipation of the last five months, I needed to get out of my house and just laugh a little.
and we did.

Puppy is feeling much better today.  I am being constantly reminded of the blessing of friendship through this deployment.  Another friend of mine sat in our apartment all day "puppy-sitting" our fur baby while I was at work.  The vet put her on a prescription diet for the next week and I can tell it's working: she's running laps through the house again.
Funny how the things that used to drive me crazy I'm now thrilled exist.

This post is going to be incredibly short in comparison to my other ones, simply because the three hours of sleep combined with the nine hours of work today are taking their toll.  My bed, albiet cold, is calling, and I am gladly going to answer.

The Faithful Wife

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Day 3-Murphy's Law Should be Renamed

Dear Deployment,

Whoever came up with the concept of Murphy's Law (probably someone named Murphy, but let's just be honest: Murphy was actually the last name of a guy in the military and his wife came up with the term after realizing that everytime he deployed, everything went wrong)
It should go something like this:
Everything that could go wrong, will go wrong the moment your loved one leaves for a deployment.  See? Just needs an addendum.

So why, do you ask, do I suggest such changes to a long-held rule?
Let's just say that it started with a trip to the doggie ER.

I went to work today and dropped puppy off at the groomers to get pampered while I was away.  When I returned to pick her up at 6, I was informed that she developed a severe case of diahrrea during the day.
No big deal though, it's happened before, so we go home and lo and behold, it happens again.  Now she won't eat, drink or play and she's laying by the front door like she's dying.
Panic mode.

So I called a friend of mine and asked what I should do and we decided to take her into the emergency vet clinic since she was acting so lethargic.  Thankfully, her husband was also able to come so that I didn't have to lift my gigantic animal and we made our way to the clinic.
It's a scary thing, thinking your sweet pet is seriously ill.  I'll admit it, I was crying.  I'm still stressed out over it, actually.
The entire ride over there was excruciating for me.  Puppy wasn't acting herself, I was beside myself.  Thankfully DH has his phone for another two weeks and I called him to let him know.  How I wished he could have been there to hold my hand and tell me it's going to be okay.  Instead, I just had to say "I'm taking puppy into the vet, I'll call you as soon as I know anything"
I felt bad, because I know on his end, he was worried too.....part of me wishes I didn't have to tell him, but the charge to our credit card account had to be explained before it inexplicably showed up on our next statement.

The clinic wanted to charge me $1000.00 for tests and treatments, but her vitals were okay, so I decided to wait until the morning to have her seen by our vet.  She's acting a bit better now, but I can tell her tummy is still bothering her.
It's weird, making those big decisions by myself.  I guess that's part of this: learning independence.  Learning to make those big decisions without being able to consult my better half.

I was able to call him after she was seen and reassure him that puppy will be okay, but I know we're both still worried.  Since we have no children of our own, she is our child....and I don't know what I'd do if something happened to her.

Thankfully, everything turned out okay.
I just wish Murphy's Law didn't exist.
I'm just waiting on my car to break's going to happen, I just know it.

Rewrite Murphy's Law, deployment....or at least make it fair.

The Faithful Wife

Monday, March 28, 2011

Day 2-Our Dog is Bipolar

Dear Deployment,

Please stop making my dog crazy.  I am having a hard enough time dealing with my own emotions to sit here and try to reason with a 40 pound ball of fur.  Puppy knows that DH is gone.  There's no one here to wrestle with her, mommy actually makes her listen, and there's too much bribery involving peanut butter going on....that creates the perfect combination of spoilage and strictness.
This could really become a problem.

I think the fact that he's gone is finally starting to hit me.  The house is so quiet.  Puppy isn't nearly as noisy as usual, she just sits in front of the window and whines.  Breaks my heart, actually.
She keeps asking to go outside.  I've stopped listening, because each time we go out, she doesn't do anything except sit there and look at me as if she's saying, "Okay, so where is he?"
I wish dogs were logical.

But then again, I wish I was logical. 
See, if I was logical, then I could pep talk myself through this deployment so much easier.  So far, I'm doing okay, but looking way ahead to when he actually comes home--that seems like climbing Everest right now.  Emotions tend to rule for me.  My heart outweighs my head.

I was able to talk to him for 10 minutes today.  It's weird, trying to have a conversation over the phone when you're so used to talking face to face everyday.  It's almost like you don't know what to talk about sometimes.  Just having them on the phone with complete silence is okay--just because you know they're there listening.
He starts training tomorrow.  So much going on that I might not get to talk to him for 2 weeks.  I hate that.  I hate that we haven't even been married a year and he's already gone.  I hate that he's going to miss my birthday and our anniversary and the summertime.

But at the same time, I am so proud to be where I am.  So proud to know that the man I love is serving this country and that by standing beside him, I am serving too.
This is going to be an adjustment: doing just my laundry, feeding just me, going to church by myself....silly little things that I've taken for granted so long.  I'm going to have a whole new appreciation for my husband throughout this process.

So for that, I thank you, deployment.  I thank you for the lonely nights and the overindulgence of ice cream when I should be on a diet.  I thank you for the lack of laundry and no more gratuitous cleaning of the bathrooms.
Yes, I even thank you for the bipolor dog.

The Faithful Wife

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Day 1-My Bed is Cold

Dear Deployment,

My bed is cold.  My husband and I have a nice, moderately sized queen bed.  I have always liked it, as it was a wedding gift from his parents...but I never realized how incredibly cold it is and how incredibly small I feel when I am laying in it alone.
My husband (who I will just call DH from now on, for ease sake) is settled in at his training, working hard, sleeping in bunk beds.  I'm at home, working hard, training our dog, and sleeping in this gigantic, abnormally cold bed.  I don't like it.

That's what I've noticed so far these first two nights I've spent alone: nights are the hardest.  Nights are when it hits you that your husband isn't actually there.  During the day you get caught up in various things that need to be accomplished, or you call a friend, or you bake something (yes, I bake when I am killing time).  You can't do those things at night.
It's frustrating, knowing you're exhausted but that you're just going to go to bed and have cold feet and hands all night.
They should issue "deployment socks" or something to us spouses who have to find a new way to keep warm these long months our husbands are gone.....I should market that....

Puppy sat by the door for three hours yesterday.  THREE.  I can tell she misses her daddy.  She doesn't listen to me much's a little frustrating.

I wish DH was here.  So much happened just today that I can't convey in a letter or over the phone.  I wish I could show him how ridiculous puppy looks with the head harness I had to get her for training classes.  I wish I could have split that last piece of cheesecake with him at dinner (and so does my waistline).  I went to celebrate his grandma and grandpa's 60th wedding anniversary I wish he could have shared that with us too....
But he has duty to his men and to our country.  and that's what I have to keep reminding myself, especially in those moments when I just sit back and say, "he really isn't coming home tonight"

On a side note, I drove DH's beloved truck today.  I drive an itty bitty, semi ancient Nissan sedan.  He drives a humongous, over sized, fire engine red, big as a house Nissan pickup.  His is brand new.  I had to drive 2 hours, so instead of risking my car breaking down on me, again....I drove the truck
and it's still in one piece. so there.

Deployment, by the time you are over, I will be a pro at driving that truck.  So there you have it: another silver lining to this cold bed and this lonely wife.  So far, not so bad.

Missing my husband, but always true.
The Faithful Wife

Saturday, March 26, 2011

The Countdown Begins

Dear Deployment,

It feels like you snuck up on us.  I never really expected this day to come--it always seemed so far off, distant in the future.
But at 3am this morning, the truth was told and I had to leave the man that I love at the airport.

It was harder than I thought, considering he gets to come home for a couple of days before he leaves for his deployment location.  My guess is that the combination of the stress, lack of sleep and overall emotion got the best of me.  When the alarm went off at 3, I was up, helping him finalize packing, getting things together.  It was just what needed to be done, and in that moment, I forgot that he was really leaving.
Then we got in the truck.
We arrived at the squadron to meet the rest of the deploying group. It was dark and cold (it's snowing right now, for perspective) but we were outside around the bus.  The commander gave his briefing to the airmen and I was able to witness a young man receive his senior airman stripe "under the wire", or before he was scheduled to receive it.  That was a very cool moment.  He was in shock, and asked the commander a couple of times if he was "truly serious".  Our commander is wonderful, and a real man of integrity--which a lot of the guys in this particular squadron need.

The commander then went on to explain that because that young man stepped up and volunteered to lead that morning, that he showed he was ready for that promotion.  It was a wonderful moment, and a great reminder of the quality men and women who serve in our armed forces.

My husband and I rode to the airport together.  We were fortunate to be able to do so since he was taking a different flight.  It was quiet....partially because we were exhausted, and partially because I dont think we really knew what to say at that moment.

It was a stressful morning.  I watched my husband board that plane, so proud in his uniform, and even though I was crying, I was incredibly proud to be his wife (I always am).  Those last hugs and kisses were too short....but he has a job to do and so do I.

Driving home was the hardest part.  I don't like driving large vehicles, but was driving his pickup truck on the interstate.  The car ride was quiet, even at 9am the roads were empty.  It felt like me and me alone....I kept thinking about whether his plane had taken off yet, whether he was able to fall asleep like he said he would.  How much I already missed him.

When I got home, puppy looked at me as if to say, "Mommy, where's daddy?  He always lets me out in the morning.  Why are you doing it?"  I wish I could explain to her that it's just us girls for a while.

So here it begins.  The next seven months.  I can do this, not without tears, but I can do this.
The countdown has begun, deployment.  Are you ready?

The Faithful Wife

Friday, March 25, 2011


Dear Deployment,

I almost have to laugh at how comical this whole thing has become.  It's as though each day closer to him leaving brings a new change or alteration to our original plans.  First he was supposed to leave next Tuesday, then today, and now it's tomorrow morning.
It was originally 7am, then 5am and now it's 3:30am.
It's all quite comical really.

I am thankful that we were able to at least take a weekend away, just us, before this whole thing starts.  Just 24 hours, but those 24 hours made me forget, even for just a moment, that we're going to be apart for longer than I realized was possible.
The closer this deployment comes to actually happening, the more it doesn't seem real.  Today, I'll be honest, I'm actually doing fine with the whole concept.  I feel like I can tackle this head on and win.
I have been to two spouses' briefings in the last 3 days.  To an extent, I feel much more prepared, knowing that I'm not in this alone.  There are so many resources available to me that I didn't even realize existed and I am looking forward to utilizing them to make this deployment easier and more bearable for me.

It will be interesting to see how our puppy handles the whole "daddy is leaving" thing.  Obviously, she is clueless right now--she is a dog afterall (although sometimes I'm convinced otherwise), but I know she'll sense his abscence.  They are two peas in a pod, he is her favorite playmate.  But you can't explain deployments to an animal.
I can't even imagine trying to explain it to a child.  Thankfully our first deployment I am at least tackling alone.  I don't know how other wives do it to be honest.

I know I'm going to learn so much about my own strength in these next seven months.  It will be challenging....but I can do this.
You won't win, deployment.  We are stronger than that.

The Faithful Wife

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Leading Up, Letting Down

Dear Deployment,

I have a very difficult time writing anonymously, but at the same time, I feel that writing anonymously allows any military spouse, any military wife to take this blog as her own--because Lord knows any of us could be writing it. 
I never saw myself as a military wife.  I grew up being a planner, organized, structured, permanent.  I have little of that in this life...not that I'm complaining, quite the contrary--I believe the God has a sense of humor, but also knows what we need to stretch us throughout our lives.
We received his orders a week after our wedding day, oddly 5 months before he was supposed to leave.  Some days, I wish that we hadn't received them until more recently, leading up to this deployment has at times been worse than actually having him gone.  It's as though the anticipation of him leaving creates this unintentional distance, as if we are trying to protect ourselves from the inevitable pain of separation for another seven months.
We've been married almost five months.  He is deploying in a week.  It's hard, knowing he's going to miss so much: our birthdays, our first wedding anniversary.  Some days I wonder how in the world I am strong enough to survive this or why in the world I would allow myself to be put through this kind of pain on a yearly basis for the next twenty or more years.
and then he walks through the door
and I'm reminded that he makes it all worth it.
I guess my intentions with this blog are to be honest about my experiences with this deployment.  To record my good days, my bad days.  To document the life back home for the man who can't be there.  To document life back home for me, so that when another deployment rears its unwanted head, I can look back and remind myself that I can do this.

There are fears, joys, tears, anger, frustration, laughter, uncertainties when a deployment comes up.  I've never done this before, I'm still new to all of this....but thousands of women do this every year and I am proud to count myself among them.
So while this leading up to the deployment is somewhat letting me down, and definately drawing me to tears on occasion, I know that I have an amazing seven months ahead of me.  Seven months to grow, seven months to learn, seven months.

Is it November yet?  I miss you already.

Your Faithful Wife