Thursday, March 17, 2011

Leading Up, Letting Down

Dear Deployment,

I have a very difficult time writing anonymously, but at the same time, I feel that writing anonymously allows any military spouse, any military wife to take this blog as her own--because Lord knows any of us could be writing it. 
I never saw myself as a military wife.  I grew up being a planner, organized, structured, permanent.  I have little of that in this life...not that I'm complaining, quite the contrary--I believe the God has a sense of humor, but also knows what we need to stretch us throughout our lives.
We received his orders a week after our wedding day, oddly 5 months before he was supposed to leave.  Some days, I wish that we hadn't received them until more recently, leading up to this deployment has at times been worse than actually having him gone.  It's as though the anticipation of him leaving creates this unintentional distance, as if we are trying to protect ourselves from the inevitable pain of separation for another seven months.
We've been married almost five months.  He is deploying in a week.  It's hard, knowing he's going to miss so much: our birthdays, our first wedding anniversary.  Some days I wonder how in the world I am strong enough to survive this or why in the world I would allow myself to be put through this kind of pain on a yearly basis for the next twenty or more years.
and then he walks through the door
and I'm reminded that he makes it all worth it.
I guess my intentions with this blog are to be honest about my experiences with this deployment.  To record my good days, my bad days.  To document the life back home for the man who can't be there.  To document life back home for me, so that when another deployment rears its unwanted head, I can look back and remind myself that I can do this.

There are fears, joys, tears, anger, frustration, laughter, uncertainties when a deployment comes up.  I've never done this before, I'm still new to all of this....but thousands of women do this every year and I am proud to count myself among them.
So while this leading up to the deployment is somewhat letting me down, and definately drawing me to tears on occasion, I know that I have an amazing seven months ahead of me.  Seven months to grow, seven months to learn, seven months.

Is it November yet?  I miss you already.

Your Faithful Wife

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